Shovels and Understanding

Park days and play dates are upon us once again now that the weather is getting tolerable. One of the many ideas to be navigated during this time is sharing. After a long winter, my kids haven't had to share with anyone, with the exception of each other. This isn't a problem for my older children. They seem to have no problem sharing what they have, but it isn't as easy for the younger one.

On our first trip to the park James took his favorite shovel with him. This is the shovel that he has used all winter to scoop up snow while I dug out the sidewalks. He loves this shovel and takes it with him everywhere. He got out of the van, went to the playground with his shovel and was very excited to find that he could also scoop up sand with his shovel. An older boy came over and asked me if he could use the shovel. I told him it wasn't mine, so I could not tell him that he could use it. He looked puzzled and asked if I was "the baby's mom". I told him yes and he asked me for the shovel again. I explained to him that it was not my shovel and that it would be wrong of me to give permission to use something that didn't belong to me. He could ask James if he wanted to use the shovel, but I would not tell him yes or no, because it wasn't my shovel. This child walked away in frustration. He then came back with his mother who asked me if her son could use the shovel. I went through the same conversation with his mother as I had gone through with him. She asked me if I didn't believe in teaching children to share.

During this time James had sat down in the sand and was digging. He had no idea what the conversation was about and he really could care less. He was a boy in the sand with a shovel and he couldn't have been happier. I, however, found myself becoming frustrated and feeling defensive. I do believe in teaching children to share, but this mother wasn't asking me to give a lesson in sharing. She was asking me to pry my son's favorite thing in the world from his hands and give it to her son. This is not sharing and it doesn't teach my son anything about sharing. It does break a bond of trust that I have with my son and I was not willing to do that. I tried very gingerly to explain, to this other mom, that I do teach my kids to share, but that I don't force them to share, because that is not true sharing. True sharing is something that one does for another person without outside pressures. They don't do it because of an external reward or because of impending punishment. It is an act of kindness and love. It can not be forced. Forced sharing is different. It is one person dominating another. I am not out to dominate my children, thus I don't force sharing with others. Trust is one of the basic elements of attachment parenting. As they get older they learn kindness and generosity. It is something that comes with wisdom and experience. It is not something that I expect my toddler to grasp, yet.

We ended up leaving the park early that day. I had mixed feelings about the whole park experience. The kids didn't even know about the confrontation at the sand pit. They all had a great time. I thought it strange that this mother would ask me to make my son share with her son in the first place. I also thought her interest in my parenting habits were a bit intrusive. I am happy with myself, though. I could have easily told her to get lost and she would have left feeling that she was right. I was wrong and that would be that. Instead, she left questioning. She may still feel like I'm wrong, but at least she is questioning why. Questioning is a start to understanding and that is what I strive for in the end. I don't care if people agree with me, but I would love to have others attempt to understand me. I think that understanding is the best thing to share.

We went to our scheduled park day the next day. We took three buckets and 6 shovels with us. James kept his shovel in the car. There were no problems and it was a glorious day.